Memorials

Loss of a Loved One

We grieve over the death of a pet. This reaction is only natural. Our feelings toward pets are so special that experts have a term for the relationship: the human-companion animal bond. When this bond is severed, the sense of loss can be overwhelming.

Society does not offer a grieving pet owner a great deal of sympathy. Even a close friend may comment: "It is only a dog (cat). You can always get another." Such a reaction would be heartless given the loss of a human friend or family member. It is generally recognized that a person who has experienced such a loss needs the support of friends and relatives. Psychologists now acknowledge that we need as much support-but get far less-with the loss of a companion animal.

When a person dies, family, friends and relatives pay their respects at the family home or funeral parlor. There is a funeral where sorrow and tears are accepted, even expected. Afterward, during a mourning period, friends and relatives assist and comfort grieving family members until their grief subsides and new routines develop.

When a pet dies, there is no such social ritual to formalize the grief. To many, a funeral for the family pet would seem eccentric and a formal period of mourning bizarre. Even the immediate family and intimate friends may not fully understand the loss.

We at Reichardt Animal Hospital understand the anguish that can occur after the loss of a pet. And we have prepared this selection of thoughts and support resources to help you through this most difficult time.

Reproduced from sections of "Death of the Family Pet.... Losing a Family Friend" written by ALPO Pet Center.

The Rainbow Bridge

JUST this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to the Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

ALL the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks in the distance. His Bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

YOU have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

THEN you cross Rainbow Bridge together...

Author Unkown

"Losing a beloved pet is always difficult"
Peggy Johnson

Peggy Johnson writes a pet advice column for The Capital.

It is hard to lose a dog which has made such an impression in your life for so many years. He or she has truly become a family member who shares the good and bad days with you, and is always there for you. Children will often confide in a pet, telling them secrets no one else will ever hear, knowing that the dog can never repeat them. It is a comfort to have something in which to confide. A pet can help when someone is seriously ill, or even not feeling well for a short time. They are there with a quiet, loving presence when sadness strikes in the way of a death in the family. The fact that they must be cared for keeps a person's mind concentrating on something other than themselves. It is a known fact that interaction with a pet can lower blood pressure, and that caring for a pet can actually prolong life. Pets on wheels and therapy dogs visit nursing homes and now, our hospital, to give love and warmth to residents and patients. We know it can help alleviate loneliness and pain......I have found in the past that it helps me very much to get a puppy as soon as possible after losing a beloved pet. It fills a void left by the one you lost and will keep you busy caring for a demanding little one and help you cope with the grief. Certainly nothing can replace the one you lost. She or he will always hold a special place in your heart, and helped you learn to love dogs. One should never feel guilty that you are letting your other dog down by getting another puppy soon after. This helps in the healing. The new puppy, even if he or she is the same breed, will never be a clone of the one you lost. This helps when comparing (in a nice way), to keep your lost pet forever in your memory, and the comparisons can be fascination, for they will be so different.

THE CAPITAL, Wednesday, March 19, 1997

GRIEF AND PET LOSS

By Margaret Mums DVM
Printed with permission

GRIEVING THE LOSS OF A PET

Grief is the normal response to any important loss in life. It occurs regardless of whether death followed a prolonged illness, or a sudden accident. Grieving people experience both physical and emotional traumas as they try to adapt to the upheaval in their lives brought about by the loss.

Psychologists have long recognized that the grief suffered by pet owners after their pet dies is the same as that experienced after the death of a person. The death of a pet means the loss of a non-judgmental love source. There is no longer anything for the pet owner to nurture and car for. Furthermore, the owner looses his or her contact with "the natural World." These feelings can be particularly intense for the elderly, single people and childless couples, (for whom the pet also is a child substitute).

THE STAGES OF GRIEF

1. SHOCK AND DENIAL
   The reality of death has not yet been accepted by the bereaved. He or she feels stunned and bewildered-as if everything is "unreal."
   
   
2. ANGER
   The grief stricken person often lashes out at family, friends, themselves, God, the Veterinarian or the world in general. Bereaved people will also experience feelings of guilt or fear during this stage.
   
   
3. BARGAINING
   In this stage, the bereaved asks for a deal or reward from either God, the Veterinarian or the Clergy. Comments like "I'll go to Church every day, if only my pet will come back to me" are common.
   
   
4. DEPRESSION
   Depression occurs as a reaction to the changed way of life created by the loss. The bereaved person feels intensely sad, hopeless, drained and helpless. The pet is missed and thought about constantly.
   
   
5. ACCEPTANCE
   Acceptance comes when the changes brought upon the person by the loss are stabilized into a new lifestyle.

The depth and intensity of the mourning process depends on many factors. The age of the owner, circumstances surrounding the death, relationship of the animal to the owner and to other family members, are all significant. Recently experiencing the death of a significant person in the owner's life can also affect how the pet's death is handled. Usually, children recover more quickly, while the elderly take the longest. Sometimes, the death of a pet will finally enable the bereaved to mourn the loss of a person, whose death had not yet been accepted.

Many people do not realize how traumatic and confusing death can be on a child. Although children tend to grieve for shorter periods of time, their grief is no less intense than that experienced by adults. Children also tend to come back to the subject repeatedly; so extreme patience is required when dealing with the grieving child. Some helpful tips for helping the grieving child include:

1. Giving the child permission to work through their grief.
• tell their teacher about the pet's death.
• encourage the child to talk freely about the pet.
• give the child plenty of hugs and reassurance.
• discuss death, dying and grief honestly.
  
  
2. NEVER say things like "god took your pet," or the pet was "put to sleep."
• The child will learn to fear that God will take them, their parents or their siblings.
• The child will become afraid of going to sleep.
  
  
3. Include the child in everything that is going on.
   
   
4. Explain the permanency of death.

DO PETS GRIEVE?

What many people find hard to believe is that animals can form very firm attachments with each other. Even pets that outwardly seem to barely get along will exhibit intense stress reactions when separated. In fact, grieving pets can show many symptoms identical to those experienced by the bereaved pet owner. The surviving pet(s) may become restless, anxious and depressed. There may also be much sighing, along with sleep and eating disturbances. Often, grieving pets will search for their dead companions and crave more attention from their owners.

How can an owner help the grieving pet? By following the following recommendations:

1. Keep the surviving pet(s) routines as normal as possible.
   
   
2. Try not to unintentionally reinforce the behavior changes.
• if the pet's appetite is picky, don't keep changing the food. All that does is create a more finicky pet.
• don't overdo the attention given to the pet(s) as it can lead to separation anxiety.
  
  
3. Allow the surviving animals to work out the new dominance hierarchy themselves.
• there may be scuffles and fights as the animals work out the new pecking order.
  
  
4. Don't get a new pet to help the grieving pet(s) unless the owner is ready.
• this will backfire unless the owner is emotionally ready for a new pet.
• people who are still grieving won't have the energy for it.

Should the owner let the surviving animals see and smell their dead companion?

There is no evidence that doing so will help the surviving pet(s), but some people claim that it does. Usually, all it accomplishes is to make the owner feel better. Therefore, if the owner wants to have the surviving pets "say good-bye," then it should be allowed.

Given time, healing will occur for the bereaved owner.
However, there are several things that the grief-stricken owner can do to help speed up the healing process:

1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
• only YOU know what your pet meant to you.
  
  
2. Memorialize your pet.
• makes the loss real and helps with closure.
• allows the bereaved to express their feelings, pay tribute and reflect.
• draws in social support.
  
  
3. Get lots of rest, good nutrition and exercise.
   
   
4. Surround yourself with people who understand you loss.
• let others care for you.
• take advantage of support groups for bereaved pet owners.
  
  
5. Learn all you can about the grief process.
• helps owners realize that what they are experiencing is normal.
  
  
6. Accept the feelings that come with grief.
• talk, write, sing. or draw.
  
  
7. Indulge yourself in small pleasures.
   
   
8. Be patient with yourself.
• DON'T let society dictate how long mourning should last.
  
  
9. Give yourself permission to backslide.
• it WILL end and your life WILL be normal again.
• grief is like waves in the ocean: at first the waves come in fast and hard, but as time goes on, the waves become less intense and further apart.
• don't be surprised if holidays, smells, or words trigger a relapse.
  
  
10. Don't be afraid to get help.
• pet loss support groups
• grief counselors
  
  
11. Be sure to consult your own "Higher Power."
• either religious or spiritual.

CONCLUSION

Grief is probably the most confusing and frustrating emotion that a person can experience. It is even more so for pet owners. Society in general does not give bereaved pet owners "permission" to grieve openly. Consequently, pet owners often feel isolated and alone. Luckily, more and more resources are becoming available to help the bereaved pet owner realize that they are NOT alone and that what they are feeling is entirely normal.

Margaret Muns DVM is the staff veterinarian for the Best friends Website: http://www.bestfriends.org In the Members & Pets Forum

References:

1. Lagoni, L., Butler, C. and Hetts, S: The Human-Animal Bond and Grief WB Saunders, Philadelphia 1994. Chapters 2 and 10.
   
   
2. Oblas-Walshaw, S: Consoling Bereaved Clients. Proceedings, 12th Annual Seminar for Veterinary Technicians, Western States Veterinary Conference. 1983.
   
   
3. Malay, M: Grieving the Loss of Your Beloved Pet. Pamphlet distributed by Community Service Systems, Fairview, Pennsylvania.
   
   
4. Guntzelman, J. and Riegger, M.: Supporting Clients Who are Grieving the Death of a Pet. Veterinary Medicine Jan 1993
   
   
5. Hetts, S et al: Do Animals Grieve?  Loss and the Companion Animal. Perspectives Nov./Dec. 1994.

Grief Support Resources

Everyone at Reichardt Animal Hospital has experienced the loss of a pet. We have lost one of our own loved ones, or that of a close friend. Many of us have become very close to some of our patients and suffer the heartache with their owners. The doctors and staff realize that passing of a well-loved pet can be extremely difficult to endure. Often times the support of family and friends is not enough. During these times it can be helpful to consult with grief counselors or counseling groups. We have compiled a list of a few of these resources for those who feel the need for this kind of guidance.

Virginia-Maryland Regional College of Veterinary Medicine (540) 231-8038 Tuesday & Thursday 6-9PM, ET

The Ohio State University
(614) 292-1823 Monday, Wednesday, & Friday 6:30-9:30 PM, ET

University of Florida
((904) 392-4700 then dial 1 and 4080 weekdays 7-9PM, ET

University of California-Davis
(916) 752-4200 weekdays 6:30-9:30PM,PT

The Pet Loss Grief Support Website & Candle Ceremony – Petloss.com

Pet Memorial Services
Urns
Caskets
Memorials
www.petmemorialservices.com

We hope that one of these sources can be of some assistance to you.

Reichardt Animal has assembled a small collection of books to guide pet owners, their friends and family through the grieving process. Some of these books are written for certain age groups. We have found the following books to be helpful material.

Cat Heaven (Excellent resource for children)
Dog Heaven (Excellent resource for children)
When Your Pet Dies
Compilation of Poems
Coping with the Loss of a Pet
A Final Act of Caring
Goodbye to My Friend